


Hook: the Musical

by Ellynne



Series: Slightly Insane in Storybrooke [1]
Category: Musicals - Fandom, Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:52:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8048347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellynne/pseuds/Ellynne
Summary: A new curse has struck Storybrook. No one can stop singing--no one except Mr. Gold.Humor. Not for Hook fans. Really. Not for Hook fans at ALL.Nominated for TEA Award: Best Crack!Fic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, not for Hook fans! You have been warned!
> 
> This is unbetaed. I promise to reread it and do some tidying. But, I have to post it before I lose my nerve.

**Hook, the Musical**

_Opening scene: There is utter darkness. It is broken by the sound of an industrial grade switch being thrown.  A circle of light appears on the corner of an empty stage, shining on a dusty curtain. The effect is weak and pathetic._

_There is the sound of another switch.  Another circle appears at the opposite end.  It wavers awkwardly back and forth a few times before finding the right spot.  A much louder switch is thrown.  A huge circle appears in the center of the stage.  It grows until the whole stage is lit up._

_Emma, David, Snow, Grumpy, Regina, Whale, Zelena, and Henry enter dancing from stage left._

_Yes, dancing._

_They are wearing outfits like Burt’s in the “It’s a Jolly Holiday with Mary” musical number from the movie, Mary Poppins. They all have jackets with pink and white stripes and are carrying dance canes and wearing white boater hats with white and pink hatbands. The guys are wearing white pants and white oxfords. The women are wearing pleated white skirts and white, women’s oxford with heels._

**All** :

Overture!

Curtains!

Lights!

This is it!  The night of nights!  
No more rehearsing and nursing a part.  
We know every part by heart.

Overture!

Curtains!

Lights!

This is it! You'll hit the heights!  
And oh what heights we'll hit!  
On with the show this is it!

Tonight what heights we'll hit!  
On with the show, this is it!

_They dance off stage. If you want a general idea what this would look like, go to Youtube and type in “Bugs Bunny, overture, curtains, lights.”_

_A moment passes. Enter Gold, stage left._

_He stares incredulously towards stage right, where the other characters went._

**Gold** : What _was_ that?

_Stage goes dark. There is silence._

_Then, smoke from dry ice, is seen, shining white.  Spotlights begin to go back and forth frantically from above, as though searching for something._

Unseen Announcer [sounds like Morgan Freeman]:

Once in every age,

If the heavens are benign,  
Mortals may be blessed with the presence of a spirit

Impossibly divine.

_Lights meet on the center where a single figure stands, a dark shadow, head bowed. As the narration finishes, the figure lifts his head and gives the audience a really annoyingly cocky grin. It’s Hook._

_Enter Theme Song Guy._

**Theme Song Guy** :

There are pirates and pre-day-tors  
Emotional manipulators  
There are bad boys with the intellects of fleas  
There are ego driven long rants  
That are so lacking in refine-mants  
They'd be better suited swinging from the trees  
  
He was born to make you drool  
No one has ever been as cool  
In a thousand years of naval supremacy  
An enigma and a mystery  
In buccaneering history  
The quintessence of perfection that is he  
  
He's the sovereign lord of the ocean  
He's the hippest dude in creation  
He's a hep cat in the admiral's new clothes  
Years of such selective breeding  
Generations have been leading  
To this miracle of life that we all know  
  
What's his name?  
Killian, Killian, Killian...  
  
He's the sovereign lord of the ocean  
He's the hippest cat in creation  
He's the alpha, the omega, a to z  
And this perfect world will spin  
Around his every little whim  
'Cause this perfect world begins and ends with him  
  
What's his name?  
Killian, Killian, Killian...

 **Hook** : Yeah, baby! [Strikes and holds dramatic pose, like John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever posters]

_Thunderous applause is heard. The curtain falls. Lights dim but don’t go out. Gold can once again be seen on the side of the stage._

_If you’ve never seen The Emperor’s New Groove, type that and “perfect world” into a search at Youtube to hear the original._

**Gold** [completely incredulous]: What is going on?

_Enter Emma. Lights increase so it no longer looks like the fadeout right before the commercial break._

**Gold** : Sheriff, did you see that?

 **Emma** : Yeah, we’re doing a musical.  Isn’t it great?

_Gold gives this serious consideration._

**Gold** : No. No, it’s not.

 **Emma** : Oh, sure it is. I thought it was a little weird, at first.  But, then I realized how much I want to sing about my wonderful, glorious Killy-Willy-Poo and how great he is.

_Gold shudders._

**Gold** : Sheriff, could you possibly refrain from using phrases like “Killy-Willy-Poo”? It sounds so. . . .

_He hesitates, trying to find a tactful way of finishing that sentence._

**Emma** [still smiling like a demented ray of sunshine]: So stupid.  Yeah, I know.  Isn’t it great?

 **Gold** : Excuse me? Sheriff, don’t you like to be considered a capable, intelligent person?

 **Emma** : I used to.  But, then I realized my Killy-Willy-Poopsie-Cuddly-Kins likes me blonde and stupid.

_Music starts up._

**Gold** [groaning]: Oh, no, not again.

 **Emma** :

When my Killy needs someone to help him unwind.

I’ll be his brainless baby and his pal in crime.

Smart girls are nowhere, they make demands.

Make me a moron with talented hands.

He goes bar-hopping. When they say last call,

I’m carting home my Neanderthal

 

The dumber I get, the harder he falls.

In love 'til he’s done.  Then, I’m out in the hall.

 

He likes me blonde and stupid!

He likes me blonde and real dumb!

He likes me blonde and stupid!

 

The kind of girl he wants to see

Is a Stepford bride with a lobotomy.

I used to out-think killers

Who’d gone and skipped their bail.

But the guy I took home last night

I had to spring from jail.

 

He tried to kill my family.  But, that buccaneer’s so hot.

I’m sure he didn’t mean it when all my friends got shot.

 

He makes demands. Then, I do all the work.

I got a soft head for a good lookin' jerk.

 

He likes me blonde and stupid!

He likes me blonde and real dumb!

He likes me blonde and stupid!

 

I used to have grit and plenty of spine.

Now I act brain dead while he insults my mind.

Ask him my name, and he’ll have to think.

I just smile and take a kool-aid drink.

 

 **[Hook voiceover]** : She's so stupid, you know what she said?

Well I forgot what she said, 'cause it was so stupid!

 

 **Emma** :

 

The dumber I get, the harder he falls.

In love 'til he’s done.  Then, I’m out in the hall.

 

He likes me blonde and stupid!

He likes me blonde and real dumb!

He likes me blonde and stupid!

_Sung to the tune of “I like ‘Em Big and Stupid,” by Julie Brown, which possibly has even more embarrassing lyrics than this. At camp, a girl I knew played it.  A lot.  It’s been stuck in my head for years. It’s on Youtube, but you have been warned._

_Regina, David, and Snow come onstage._

**Gold** : Did you hear that?

_They make general sounds of agreement. “Oh, yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “Absolutely.”_

**Gold** : And, it doesn’t worry you?

 **Regina** : Should it?

 **Snow** : Killian’s a wonderful guy!

 **David** : And, it’s amazing the stuff he knows about. He came up with a brilliant idea about sheep.  How about, instead of waiting to knit the wool after we got it off the sheep, we knit it while it’s ON the sheep? How come no one’s ever thought of that before?

 **Gold** : Because you can’t spin wool into thread if it’s still attached to the sheep?   

 **David** : You’re only saying that because no one’s ever tried!

 **Gold** : For good reason, I’m sure. Let me ask you a few questions.  Prince Charming, how do you feel about those who oppress the weak and helpless?

 **David** : They’re awful!

 **Gold** : And what would you do to stop them?

 **David** : Fight them off with my sword!

 **Gold** : And, if you saw Hook robbing some peasants while holding a blade to their throats?  What would you do then?

 **David** : Take a picture. He’s an awesome guy.

 **Gold** : I see. Princess Snow, you fought a war to free your kingdom from an evil queen.

 **Regina** : Hey!

 **Gold** : Not now, Regina. If you found out that Hook had, oh, let’s say, helped Cora slaughter a bunch of peasants or locked you up in a cell to die of starvation, what would you do the next time you met him?

 **Snow** : Try to set him up on a date with my daughter. He’s such fun to be around.

 **Gold** : You’re turn, Regina.  If someone tries to hurt Henry, what do you do to them?

 **Regina** : Depends.  How much time do I have and am I going to have to hide the body?

 **Gold** : And if I told you Hook helped Greg and Tamara kidnap Henry and that he nearly got him killed while breaking your sister out of jail, what would you do?

 **Regina** : Oh, laugh it off.  Boys will be boys.

 **Gold** : I see. . . .

_Hook enters doing very bad disco moves._

**Hook** : Hi, everybody!  Are you happy to see me?

 **Everyone except Gold** : Yeah!

 **Hook** : Hey, Regina, who’s the fairest of them all?

 **Regina** : You are!

 **Hook** : David, who’s the most charming?

 **David** : You are!

 **Hook** : Snow White, who’s the most hero-y hero around?

 **Snow** : You are!

 **Gold** : Really? Refresh my memory.  When did you do anything heroic?

_Everyone scowls at Gold._

**Regina** : Really, Rumple, you should know. Being a hero isn’t about what you do. It’s about who you are.

 **Gold** : Is it?  I’m sorry, but [ _points to Hook_ ] who is he, again?

_Hook comes over, laughing in a condescendingly genial manner as he puts his hand on Gold’s shoulder. Gold stiffens and the audience knows he’s considering removing the hand, the arm, and possibly the head._

**Hook** :

 

Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Croc’dile

Looking so down in the dumps

Ev'ry guy here'd love to be me, Croc’dile

Even when taking my lumps

 

 **Gold** [spoken]: Oh, no.  You’re not stealing one of the songs from Belle’s musical, are you?

 

 **Hook** :

 

There's no man in town as admired as me

I’m ev'ryone's favorite guy

 

 **Gold** [spoken]: You _are_ stealing it!

 

 **Hook** :

 

Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by me

And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as Killian

No one's quick as Killian

No one's head’s as incredibly thick as Killian 's

For there's no man in town half as manly

Perfect, a pure paragon!

You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley

And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

 

**Hook and Everyone else but Gold:**

 

No one's been like Killian

A king pin like Killian

 

 **Hook** :

 

No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Killian

As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

 

 **Hook and Everyone else but Gold** :

 

My what a guy, that Killian!

Give five "hurrahs!"

Give twelve "hip-hips!"

 

 **Killian** :

 

Killian is the best

And the rest is all drips

 

 **Chorus** :

 

No one fights like Killian

Douses lights like Killian

 

 **Hook** :

 

In a wrestling match nobody bites like Killian!

 

 **Snow, Regina, and Emma** :

 

For there's no one as burly and brawny

 

 **Hook** :

 

As you see I've got biceps to spare

Not a bit of me's scraggly or scrawny

That's right!

And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with hair

 

 **Chorus** :

 

No one hits like Killian

Matches wits like Killian

 

 **Hook** :

 

In a spitting match nobody spits like Killian

I'm espcially good at expectorating!

Ptoooie!

 

 **Chorus** :

 

Ten points for Killian!

 

 **Hook** :

 

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs

Ev'ry morning to help me get large

And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs

So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

 

 **Chorus** :

 

Oh, ahhh, wow!

My what a guy, that Killian!

No one shoots like Killian

Makes those beauts like Killian

 

 **Hook** :

 

Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Killian

I use seal babies in all of my decorating!

 

 **Chorus** :

 

My what a guy,

Killian!

 

_Everyone exits but Gold._

_This is from the song “Gaston” from Beauty and the Beast. Once again, if you’re unfamiliar with it or just want to refresh your memory, Youtube is there to help you._

**Gold** : I cannot let this stand.  I _will not_ let this stand.  [He begins pacing back and forth]  All right, let me think.  Everyone’s acting like an idiot.  Nothing new there.  But, this is a whole, new level of idiocy.  It has to be some kind of spell.  I’d blame Hook, but he can’t even tie his own shoelaces. The big question is how many people have fallen under it?  Is it just Regina and the Charmings or is it—

 

_Musical overture starts.  Belle enters in her blue dress with a basket of flowers.  Not very convincing birds are bobbing up and down around her on wires)._

**Gold** : No.  Please, no.

 

 **Belle** :

 

Little town

It’s a quiet village.

 

 **Gold** : Please, Belle, don’t do this.

 

 **Belle** :

 

Every day, like the one before 

**Gold** : Fight it, Belle!  Don’t give in!

 **Belle** :

Little town, full of little people

Waking up to say. . . .

 

_Leroy runs across the stage his shirt on fire._

**Leroy:** Heeelllllppp!!!

_A scarecrow, a tin man, and a bipedal lion run through_

**All three:** Help! Flying monkeys!

_They run off stage. Enter a group of flying monkeys._

**Flying Monkeys:** Help! A dragon!

 **Gold:** This is ridiculous.

 **Thunderous voice from offstage:** I am SMAUG! The GREAT and POWERFU—

_Gold throws a fireball towards the voice._

**Gold:** Oh, go get your own movie!

**Belle:**

There goes the Wicked Witch with her slaves like always

The same excuse for crimes to tell

Every morning just the same—

**Gold:** I’m sorry about this, Belle, but I have to do it

 

_He snaps his fingers.  Purple smoke rises up from the orchestra pit.  The music stops. Belle is outraged._

**Belle:** Rumple, what did you do to them?

 

 **Gold** [defensively]: I just froze them for a bit. It’ll wear off soon.  Belle, I’m sorry but I don’t think I can handle you doing a musical number right now.

 

 **Belle:** But—but—there’s a wonderful duet coming up.  Will Scarlet was going to sing it with me.

 

 **Gold:** I _really_ can’t handle it right now.  Don’t you find it a little strange?  Why is everyone doing musical numbers?  You never had to do them before, did you?

 

_Belle shrugs. She is happy and the mystery doesn’t bother her._

**Belle:** Does it matter?  I just want to sing!  Isn’t it wonderful?

 

 **Gold:** No. It isn’t.

 

_Belle leans in close to him._

**Belle** [suggestively]: You could sing with me.

 

_Gold wavers.  Every magical instinct says this is a very bad idea. But, it’s also Belle who’s asking._

**Gold:** I . . . [internal struggle is written all over him] . . . don’t think I should, Belle.

 

 **Belle** [morally outraged]: Rumple, how could you!

 

_She storms off to the far side of the stage.  Rumple is obviously torn about going after her._

_A figure enters, crouched low behind the stage prop bush it’s carrying.  Gold notices it and watches with mild curiosity. The person carrying the bush puts it down near Gold but remains hidden._

**Gold:** Dr. Hopper, is that you?

 

_Archie pokes his head out from behind the bush._

**Archie:** Mr. Gold, you’re not under the spell?

 

 **Gold:** If you mean the one that makes everyone run around singing about how wonderful Hook is, no, I’m not.  And you?

 

 **Archie:** I don’t think Hook’s wonderful.  But, I started out this morning picking up my umbrella and singing in the rain.  It’s getting bad.

 

 **Gold:** But, you still don’t think Hook is wonderful?

 

_Archie shudders._

**Archie:** I keep reminding myself about how he tortured me.  And worked for Cora.  And helped stage my death.  And tried to blow up the town.  So far, it seems to be working.  But, it’s spreading.  I saw Ruby leading a bunch of cheerleaders in a song about him.

 

 **Gold:** Let me guess, “Oh, Hooky, you’re so fine”?

 

_Archie shudders again._

**Archie:** That would be the one. 

 

 **Gold:** Do you know how it started?  Who it affected first?

 

 **Archie:** The first people I heard singing were Snow and Charming.  They were singing the theme song from Guys and Dolls.  Then, I saw Zelena leading Grumpy and Granny in “Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead.” [Shudders] Grumpy did the entire Lollipop Guild bit.  It was awful.

 

 **Gold:** So, the people who started singing were all ones who went to King Arthur’s court, correct?

 

 **Archie:** Yes, they were all people who were—

 

In Camelot

Camelot!  Camelot!

I know it sounds a bit bizarre—

 

_Archie stop and looks around, puzzled._

**Archie:** Where’s my background music?

 

 **Gold:** They’re having technical difficulties. So, it started with the people who’d been to . . . that place.  I see.

 

 **Archie:** Do you?  What’s doing this to us?

 

 **Gold** : When Hook was the Dark One, he cast the Dark Curse to bring himself and the others back to Storybrooke.  Remember when Regina cast the curse and everyone just accepted her as mayor and did whatever she wanted? It’s the same thing.

 

 **Archie** : So, Hook wants everyone singing?

 

 **Gold:** I think he wants everyone singing his praises and the rest just grew from there.  He’s got a very small, literal mind after all.

 

 **Archie:** But, what about the rest of us?  We didn’t go to Cam—to that place.  How come it’s controlling us?

 

 **Gold:** Because this town was still built by the curse.  When the curse was cast again, it acted like a system update—or a virus—modifying what was already here.  It hasn’t taken over everyone completely.  But, I suppose it will, given time.

 

 **Archie:** But, there has to be some way to stop it!  What about you, Mr. Gold?  You’re still free.

 

 **Gold:** I also have all the power of all the Dark Ones.  You’d be amazed how well that stops smaller curses.

 

 **Archie:** So, you know how to stop it?

 

 **Gold:** If you’re asking me to turn everyone into a Dark One, that’s not happening.  That’s a cure that’s worse than the curse.

 

 **Archie** [desperate and terrified at a fate worse than death] **:** We’re talking about becoming Hook fans!

 

 **Gold:** Still better than a town full of Dark Ones.  [Considers] A little better.

 

 **Archie:** You have to stop it, Gold!  You’re the only one who can!

 

 **Gold:** If I had any recourse. . . .

 

 **Archie:** You know as well as I do, there’s one way to break any curse!

 

_Music starts up in the background._

**Archie:** Oh, thank goodness.  I couldn’t take any more talking

 

_Belle has been on the other side of the stage, pouting.  As the music starts, she looks over._

**Archie:**

There’s your recourse

Staring straight into your eyes

Tell me, don’t you wanna try?

Things can’t get more averse

Yeah, you know it’s true

What else you gonna do?

You wanna break the curse

 

Yes, you want it

Hear us sing, you know you do

If she were free, she’d tell you to

Go on, disenchant it

You don’t want us to sing about anything

You wanna break the curse (break the curse)

 

Shalalalala  
My oh my  
Looks like the imp’s too shy  
Ain't gonna break the curse  
Shalalalala  
Ain't that sad  
It's such a shame  
Too bad, you're gonna keep the curse  
Go on and break the curse (break the curse)

 

Now’s your moment

Stop our once upon a doom

Happy ever after looms

No time will be better

We don’t wanna sing

But we gotta sing

Until you break the curse

 

Shalalalala  
My oh my  
Looks like the imp’s too shy  
Ain't gonna break the curse  
Shalalalala  
Ain't that sad  
It's such a shame  
Too bad, you're gonna keep the curse

Shalalalala  
Don't be scared  
You better be prepared  
Go on and break the curse  
Shalalalala  
Don't stop now

Don't try to hide it how  
You wanna break the curse  
Go on and break the curse  
(Break the curse)  
(Oh, ohnoo..)  
(Break the curse, break the curse)  
Lalalala, Lalalala  
Go on and break the curse  
Lalalala, Lalalala  
Go on and break the curse

Shalalalala  
My oh myyyyy  
Looks like the imp's too shy  
Ain't gonna break the curse  
Shalalalala  
Ain't that sad  
It's such a shame  
Too bad, you're gonna keep the curse

Lalalala, Lalalala  
(Go on and break the curse)  
Go on and break the curse!  
Lalalala, Lalalala  
(Go on and break the curse)  
Go on and break the curse  
Break the curse

(Break the curse)  
Go on and break the curse

 

_Again, Youtube. Little Mermaid. Kiss the Girl._

_Gold looks uncomfortable at the end of the song (which included singing flamingoes, dwarves, a Scarecrow, a Tin Woodman, and a Lion [you can fill in the details])._

**Gold:** I’m not sure that’s the way to break this curse.

 

 **Archie:** Of course, it is! You’re the only person here who isn’t even partly under that curse. You and Belle are true love.  Of course, it will work!

 

_Gold looks even more uncomfortable._

**Gold:** Belle and I have been having some difficulties.  I’m not sure if our kiss would do it.

 

 **Archie:** Well, lead up with a song!

 

You admit that in the past, You’ve been a nasty

They weren’t kidding when they called you pretty dark

But you'll find that nowadays  
You've mended all your ways  
Repented, seen the light, but kept the snark

 

True?

 

 **Gold:** No.  I’m not singing.  Besides, you’re forgetting that, every time Belle and I try to kiss—

 

_Enter Hook with the Charmings, Regina, and a cast of other characters.  Gold is still between Belle and them._

**Hook:** Oh, no you don’t, Crocodile!

 

 **Gold:** This happens.

_Archie gets back behind the bush._

**Archie:** Oops, gotta run!

 

_Picking up bush and trying to stay hidden behind it, Archie runs offstage._

**Gold:** Oh, wonderful.  It’s Captain Crunch.  Again.

 

 **Hook:** I don’t know what you mean by that—

 

 **Gold:** It was meant to imply you’re artificial, unintelligent, and a thin layer of corn syrup and [looks meaningfully at Hook’s eyeliner] artificial coloring is all that’s holding you together.

 

 **Hook:** I don’t know what that means, not that it matters—

 

 **Gold:** Possibly because it involves words of more than one syllable.

 

 **Hook:** And I don’t know what a syllable is, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop you!  Storybrooke is finally a decent place to live.

 

 **Multiple Character Standing Behind Hook:** Yeah!

 

 **Hook:** And I’m not letting you ruin that!

 

 **Gold** [smirking]: Really?  An idiot whose brain is so disordered, he doesn’t even know what ‘mental retention’ is, is going to keep and retain this curse?  I don’t think so.

 

 **Hook:** Oh, yeah?  Well, I can—I, uh—

 

_Hook’s flustered confusion gives way to steely determination._

**Hook:**

I know that my powers of retention  
Are as wet as a warthog's backside  
But thick as I am, pay attention  
My words are a matter of pride

 

_Hook looks at his supporters_

It's clear from their vacant expressions  
The lights are not all on upstairs  
But we're talking curse intercessions  
Even I can't be caught unawares

So prepare for a chance of a lifetime  
Be prepared for sensational news  
A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer

And where do we feature?

Just listen to teacher  
I know it sounds sordid but you'll be rewarded  
When at last I am given my dues!  
And injustice deliciously squared  
Be prepared!

 **Emma:** Yeah! Be prepared, we'll be prepared! For what?

 **Hook:** For me to be king of everything

 **Everyone Except Belle and Gold:** Yay, all right! Long live the king! Long live the king!

It's great that we'll soon be connected  
With a king who'll be all-time adored

_Gold is rubbing his head. How does even a curse cause this kind of behavior?  He tries to point out some of the problems._

**Gold:** Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected to take certain duties on board

_Hook nods and everyone looks overjoyed._

**Hook:**

The future is littered with prizes  
And though I'm the main addressee  
The point that I must emphasize is  
You won't get a sniff without me!

So prepare for the coup of the century  
Be prepared for the murkiest scam  
Meticulous planning, tenacity spanning  
Decades of denial is simply why I'll  
Be king undisputed, respected, saluted  
And seen for the wonder I am

Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared-  
Be prepared!

  
**Everyone but Belle and Gold:**

Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared-  
Be prepared!

_Go to Youtube and look for Lion King, Be Prepared, to see the original._

**Hook:** Time for the death of the Dark One

 **David:** Why, is he sick?

 **Hook:** No, fool! You're going to kill him and Belle, too

 **Regina:** Great idea! Who needs a Dark One?

 **Everyone but Belle and Gold and Hook:** No Dark, no Snark! La la la la la la! 

 **Hook:** And, now, you can die, Mr. Bond—er, Gold!

_Exit Hook. Crowd begins to close in on Gold and Belle, but not so quickly that they can’t have a fair sized conversation._

**Belle:** Did he really just exit like a Bond villain? [Belle hesitates. That statement was her normal intelligence showing through. But, the curse has still got a hold of her] That seems more like your kind of thing, Rumple.

 **Gold:** Most people would say I have the makings of a great Bond villain. [Sighs] I didn’t want to do this, but I think there’s only one way to stop them.

_Gold looks resigned. He really hoped it wouldn’t come to this. The music starts up. Gold floats up high above the crowd, looking like a scary wizard._

**Gold:**

You poor and desperate souls

 **Belle:** Rumple, you’re starting in the middle of the song!

 **Rumple:** Just because I have to sing doesn’t mean I can’t cut it short.

It's sad but true  
If you want to cross the bridge, dearies  
You've got the pay the toll  
Take a gulp and take a breath  
‘Cause your heads will start to roll

_Turns to Belle_

Sweetheart, darling, don’t believe it all  
Though their looks are really droll  
With these poor and desperate souls

Beluga sevruga  
And laws of continuity!  
Come lex talionis  
Et max make them pay us  
Immediately!

_There are ominous lighting and sparkler effects. The mob falls back, frightened._

Now, scream!

**Everyone but Belle and Rumple:**

Aa-aa-aah! A-aa-aah!

**Rumple:**

  
Keep screaming!

**Everyone but Belle and Rumple:**

Aa-aa-aah! A-aa-aah!

_Rumple comes quickly back to ground.  He runs to Belle._

**Rumple:** I’m sorry, sweetheart, but a nonsensical musical number was the only way to distract them long enough to do this. 

_He kisses Belle._

_There are even more lighting special effects. Also, the music from Beauty and the Beast from when the Beast’s curse is broken plays._

_Everyone looks at each other, not quite sure what’s going on._

**David:** Were we about to attack Gold and Belle?

 **Emma** [truly horrified at the incomprehensible evil they were about to do]: And we were doing it because _Hook_ told us to?

 **Regina:** And we were _singing_ about it?

 **Belle** [as the truth hits her]: We’ve been under a curse!  Hook must have done it when he brought us back from Camelot.

_Music from “Camelot” starts up.  Belle looks down at the orchestra pit._

**Belle:** I know you’re trying to be useful, but I don’t think we need any more music just now.

 **Voices from orchestra pit:** Aww. . . .

 **Belle** [trying to be kind]: Maybe later.

_Enter Hook, who hasn’t noticed the music’s stopped._

**Hook:**

On the catwalk

On the catwalk

I shake my little tush on the catwalk 

I’m too sexy for this—

_He finally notices everyone staring at him as though he is something smelly and disgusting they found on the bottom of their shoe._

**Hook:** Uh, don’t you want to sing along?

 **Emma:** No.

 **Snow:** You tried to make us kill an innocent man.

 **Hook** [beginning to get nervous]: Uh, I don’t know that you can call the Crocodile _innocent. . . ._

 **David:** You wanted us to murder him and Belle.

 **Hook** [beginning to back away] **:** Me murdering Belle has never bothered anyone before. . . .

 **Regina:** You made me sing “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music”!

_Regina makes a sound between a scream and a growl.  Hook breaks and runs. Regina and everyone else (except Belle and Gold) runs off stage after him. Belle and Gold remain._

**Belle:** So, the curse is broken?  We won’t go on about how wonderful Hook is anymore?

 **Gold:** Yes, we’re free.  No one will ever force us to sing again.

_Belle hesitates._

**Belle:** You know, Rumple, there are some songs by Bernstein I really like.  And you have a lovely singing voice.  Do you think, maybe, if no one else was around. . . ?

**Rumple:**

Boy, boy, crazy boy

Get cool, boy!

_Belle and Rumple walk off the stage together._

_(Go to Youtube and type in Hamish Macbeth West Coast Story to see the 54 second short of Robert Carlyle really singing this)_

_Orchestra starts up._

**Singers off Stage**

Tale as old as time

Song as old as rhyme

Beauty and the Beast!


	2. Chapter 2

Bumped up because the TEA links are having problems and some people were having difficulty finding this.


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